11:44 PM 4/19/2021
heart space
Last night I was working on my heart chakra space, + the memory of my ex's 33rd bday came up. This was our first birthday we had spent with one another + the first thing that came to mind was how I bought him 33 bday gifts, one gift to make up for every year we had missed + then of course a gift for his actually bday. To throw in some extra razzle dazzle I bought him 3 different cakes, because well you know 33 different cakes would've been super OD. đ© Over the 5 years we were together, shit just got grander even when the love +respect became not only, invisible, but remained no more.
Anywho- I got the thinking even harder; about how I show up for
+friends
+family
+social media strangers
+people I met throughout life, be at school, jobs, etc
Doing all things good +genuine. Iâll support, patronize, shout out, share information freely, make introductions, Stan. Hell there was once even a time where I was struggling like bad, emotionally, financially, spiritually, but my best friend at the time, who had been that for YEARS, came to me, and asked if I could help her pay her deposit for an apartment. Today, present day, we don't even speak. Couldn't find her if I wanted to. I know she's around because we're friends on Social Media, but other than that, we aren't connected in any way. Why, you ask. It's simple ENVY, all because I pulled myself up. No matter what life threw at me, I choose resilience. +she HATES that for me. She never lets me forget that we âshare the same struggleâ. Which now I have come to know is âtrauma bondâ. Also, please know this isnât even an assumption, this is something she has verbalized not only to me in so many words but also others because she thought it wouldnât get back to me.
Heart Space
I do things for others knowing that deep down itâ won't be reciprocated or even appreciated. Even knowing that the intention of the person asking isnât always genuine or honest. Knowing that often times, I canât even get a phone call from other's just to say"Hi". Still, I did, I give from my heart. Finally, I am in a space to admit, that that does in fact bother me. I use to lie +say that it didn't but it does.
Thatâs when I was like Tiffany.. NOW TIFFANY.. whatâs tea sis? Why is everyone else held to a higher regard in your life other than yourself? Outside of your children NO ONE else is more deserving of you showing up in such a grand way for them more than... YOU
+thatâs when I feel on the floor because I had to really come to terms that I havenât treated myself good in over 6 years. I be faking like I do, but I really donât. Outside of material shit, take that out- I donât pray for myself the way I do others. I donât take care + nurture myself the way I do others, hell I donât even reiki myself the way I do others. I donât tell myself I love you +mean it the way I do others. I donât try to prove shit to myself the way I do others. I donât try to accept myself flaws +all the way I do others.
I say all of that to say- That shit ended last night.
+I pray that if youâre struggling with going above +beyond for everyone other than yourself, my prayer is that you see yourself in the same LIGHT you see others. I pray that you know you should be top priority when it comes to your :
+love
+loyalty
+grace
+forgiveness
+energy
Comments